I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
this hospital has no fireball
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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