I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
