so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
