I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
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Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
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In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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