and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
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Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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