"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
