My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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