there's paper in my vomit.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
