Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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