The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
