He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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