You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
