i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
