I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
