Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
