There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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