I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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