It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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