god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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