Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
