I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
