I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
