I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
