dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
