Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think my fart just growled at me.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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