Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
