then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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