Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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