I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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