Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
