I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize