My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
