Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
