He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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