It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Let's paint friendship bongs
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
