if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
