the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
