Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize