I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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