I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
