ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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