I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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