she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
When are your genitals available?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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