I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
