Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
this hospital has no fireball
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
