Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
