i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
