I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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