and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
