i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
