if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
where are you?
Hypothermia
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
