i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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