I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
